February 2012
25 posts
SEEKING MAN WITH WILD STREAK, NICE BANK ACCOUNT...
PETITE EURASIAN ARTIST in the Village working in independent film, musical recordings, photography, etc.; busy music teacher, easygoing foodie, loves the I Ching, my Steinway piano, movies in theaters, travel, dancing, fashion, seeks attractive, established guy who has secure or lucrative finances, a wild streak, feet on terra firma, loves his profession, to share great times, friendship, maybe...
He doesn't like "most" television.
I like traveling far by foot, cheese, Rushdie, Hitchens, The Death of Ivan Illyich, broccoli, lofts, women, convictions, Beethoven, curiosity, cheap eats, per se, longform, etc… I don’t like ambivalence, Sarte, olives, jeans, quinoa, Faulkner, abstract expressionism, coffee, watches, most television, novels that are too long, obstinance, etc. Male. 26. Brooklyn. Run a non-profit....
WRITER SEEKS WRITER TO WATCH OTHER WRITERS
Old, broke, married. Male writer seeks female writer to go to readings with. Not totally old, broke, or married. Respondents need not have been at Woodstock, but shouldn’t have missed it by more than a decade or two, should have a feel for an ad that may sound like a joke, but underneath …
WELL, GOOGLE STALKING IS ON THE TABLE
I’m your unfinished novel. We’re both attractive and successful. We’re young and wise and old and irreverent. My book is open at FastOrbit.com.
Ha! "British police procedurals" surely must be a...
Sweet, playful elitist with a lot of neuroses and poor comic timing seeks a fourth for Settlers, a companion for artsy movies/day trips, and a co-slob with whom to get crumbs everywhere while watching internet TV. A love of William Trevor, Alice Munro, or British police procedurals would be a plus, while a big heart and willingness to tolerate my overwhelmingly almond-scented body products are...
THE COLLEGE SENIOR WITH A THING FOR DR. SEUSS. Hm.
Hey, hello there! Read on if you choose. Mame Dennis, Leslie Knope and Golightly lady all in one, Up for brunch, drinks and about to be a college alum.
I have curls on my head. I have sparkly socks in my shoes. Always on an adventure or at the movies, you’ve got nothing to lose. If you’re on your own and you know what you know, then put on a smile and we’ll decide where to...
"I got a B+ on my senior thesis." Hm.
Boy looking for girl with glasses, or girl who acts like she would wear glasses. Former Paris Review intern. Last book I read was Lolita, last book I liked was A Sport and a Pastime. I got a B+ on my senior thesis that I wrote about Mad Men. I played sports in college. East Village, holla at cha boi.
DOESN'T EVERYONE JUST ASSOCIATE PENNSYLVANIA WITH...
Currently living in central Pennsylvania and caught in a place that is by parts corporate desert, idealistic mirage and windows down, music up oasis. Overly fond of Kafka references, prone to tilting at windmills, and tired of feeling out of place for preferring anthropology jokes and books over endless vapid breakroom conversations. Tall and athletic, with a distaste for makeup and...
"Yonder is a well made young fellow and of the...
A lover of Lacan, Kundera, Sade, and Corso. A thing, male, in Boston. Age 21, heightened well, in a way. Unfortunately, a confused pile of smiles. Will provide a good laugh. Will provide an adequate or amazing or terrible conversation (depending on your part in it). Will insert geeky anecdotes. No worries. Wanderlust incarnate, looking for someone who shares that. Looking for someone old or young....
I MEAN WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO DATE A REPUBLICAN...
Me: petite, shy, Sicilian, female, tomboy, mid 20’s, queer Interested in: reference librarians, unpretentious poets, large green slices of cake, shy chatterboxes, high energy activities, the look of film photography, A Moveable Feast, Orlando, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Russian fiction Dislikes: late December through March, tights, condescension
You: female and/or queer; similar or...
UNFORTUNATE NOUVEAU YELLOW WALLPAPER REFERENCE...
Fish and arugula for breakfast. More interested in material and corporeal than intellectual. Well-adjusted, pro-fun. Positively blasé, vertically challenged, curvy female looking to spend winter months in bleached walls and beds.
You are ambitious, intelligent, tasteful, pro-fun. 25-35
We’re looking for n+personals testimonials! Email me if you have a success story!
IF SHE'S ANYTHING LIKE A YOUNG NEDRA, YOU'RE IN...
Middle Eastern female graduate student adrift in the Midwest. 30. I like Barthes, bourbon, bubble baths, and breakfast. I have been told that I excel at all things cozy. What I am looking for: Nedra and Viri’s early-middle years in Salter’s Light Years; the first side of Astral Weeks; a road trip partner; a gentleman brute.
THE LAWYERS' DAUGHTER WITH A SWEET TOOTH FOR...
23-year-old cake decorator, successful yet disappointing daughter to lawyer parents. Klutz who reads Sanskrit, wears mismatching socks for luck and thinks that Ursula le Guin is trying too hard to be one of the boys. Looking for a guy who listens to the Drive soundtrack while playing Mario Kart.
Fan mail, sort of. (And we were always this...
Your latest personal is obviously bubblebathos’s parody of a nplusonemag personal. Or are you getting smarter and parodying her? She’s my number one Internet crush. An E.M. Cioran for 2012.
THE PRETTY GIRL WHO READS TASTEFUL, SAD BOOKS
She could say the Lord’s Prayer quickly but not slowly. Smart weird serious gentle seeks similar; [quote from Murphy] [quote from The Moviegoer]. Small and pretty in Brooklyn. Oh and young, and how.
n+1 INTERNAL DEBATE: SHOULD WE LET PEOPLE RESPOND...
I kind of think that it’s okay to respond to more than one person. People want to spread their risk. And in the movies (“In Search of a Midnight Kiss”), they date more than one person because they are in thrall to the one true demon of the 21st century: choice.
Should we be catholic about this and indulge human weakness or is protestantism the answer, calling on everyone to stop...
I GUESS PEOPLE OUTSIDE MIDDLE AMERICA ARE STILL...
I’m a walking, talking collection of internal contradictions - loquacious but soft spoken, hard-boiled and soft-voiced, glibly cynical and earnestly romantic at the same time. I read everything from Dan Savage to Tom Friedman and most things in between. My politics are lefty, my attitude is a bit anti-authoritarian and I’m hoping to find a slightly cynical, sharp-tongued woman with...
JUST BITTORRENT THE PRUITT-IGOE MYTH BEFORE YOUR...
New York based graduate student seeks late 20s, early 30s male mired in something esoteric and above my head (which shouldn’t be hard, I’m 5’2” and refuse to wear heels). I like tenements (as a historical concept), Houellebecq, and Corgis. Single-malt Scotch, kitchen-sink dramas, and Russian magical realism also pluses, as are men who won’t tease me for living on the...
BECAUSE ABBA IS NOT ENOUGH TO FILL THE HOLE IN HER...
My New Year’s wish: to have my soul flow with an exuberant male spirit who yearns for a pretty, compassionate, creative, older (65) woman. Maine resident with a parachute poised to land almost anywhere. [from the new york review of books]
THE 21 YEAR OLD INTERESTED IN CULTURAL EDIFICATION...
Twenty-one year old, Ivy-League-educated male Russian violinist. Thick, curly hair with some scruff. Will whisper Russian or French to you when you’re least expecting. Can be found wearing dark-brown corduroys, Brooks Brothers shirts and sleek, leather belts with loafers. Enjoys Brahms, Mendelssohn, Prokofieff, and other music you should be listening to but don’t. Contemplates the good...
I guess you could call this the n+personals... →
A little backstory, to this particular brand of post-date-spite-induced-ramblings-that-willingly-go-viral: Kelly Murphy, after posting an ad on n+personals, went on a rather unfortunate date with this young man, and then wrote about it for Brokelyn. After the article’s publication, we, being nothing if not magnanimous, reached out to the poor soul, wondering if he wanted to pen a response...
SEEMS TO BE BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS, SINCE...
Me: Late 20s male. Seeking companion. Living north of London: like all aspiring writers, would prefer Paris but have neither money nor mettle for relocation. Instead, I’ve sought the job security of teaching literature at secondary school. Less like Heathcliff, more Sancho Panza (sans girth).
You: Female. Roughly same age. Happen to be in Europe. Willing to chat to man of no magnitude.
VAGUELY MELANCHOLIC, WRITES POETRY
PhD candidate who writes poetry instead of her dissertation. Pink hair, piercings, and tasteful tattoos (Have you ever seen a tattoo of an audubon watercolor? That’s me). Writes on Keats and Shelley but reads german critical theory and poetry (Bachman and Celan). Vaguely melancholic, but easily amused by coffee and a nyrb. A new wave snob, but willing to be wrong.
Just looking for my Louis...
January 2012
34 posts
VAPID AND PRETENTIOUS, WITH CHASERS
Caucasian early twentysomething, a recent transplant from Los Angeles, seeks a woman to not give a shit with. Appreciates heavy doses of sarcasm chased by scotch, red wine, or tap water. Eloquent shouting a must, elegantly draped clothing optional. Misses people he’s never met, but always careful to appreciate the ones he has. Shallow without being vapid, pretentious but with the utmost...
CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR USING...
In New Haven, geographically and otherwise, a 26-year-old male. Looking for a gal to help me figure out how that elephant got in my pajamas in the first place.
We've created a n+personals archive, for a... →
SWANLIGHTS?
I was at Swanlights tonight. You were too, or wished you were. Woman, 47. I read, think, and talk about ideas for work and because I like to. Like everyone now, I enjoy food. I am not a vegetarian. People say I am beautiful. I am private about my private life, and public about my public life. I’m single, tall. I’d love a kid, a dog, a man. Aber klar: coffee first.
I am a...
DO YOU THINK HE'S STILL MARRIED?
Mid 50s. Jewish bisexual Mensch. I’m intellectual, kind, funny, cute, world-travelled, Ivy-educated. I’ve been married monogamously for many years. I’m now looking for a gay male friend (preferably with benefits) to help me explore my dormant gay self. Manhattan or Brooklyn. (from the new york review of books)
ROTH VICTIM SEEKS LOLITA, OR SIMILAR
I: am on the right side of my mid-20s. Have been an enthusiastic victim of Roth since puberty. Wander through a sea of financiers with my nose in a novel, an eye on the Occupation. Am not big on poetry, except Weezy etc., on whom I am big. Look good, am thin, not naturally, but by avoiding food. Have read the complete oeuvre of just one author, though I came close with Kerouac and Vonnegut. Was...
Sending this email brought me as close to an "I...
May your children be heirs to the throne, or whatever!
As Baudrillard himself would say: “At the heart of...
Vaguely commited whisp of smoke seeks window pane to sully with virtual nothings and real consequences. Imagine a three dimensional axe in your Twitter feed, cleaving any trace of a humanism from the avatar’s uncircumcised lips. You read Dennis Cooper for the sex. Let’s talk poetry and Baudrillard. Every date is the end.
25, male for female, Brooklyn, graduate student.
IS THIS A PITCHFORK EDITOR USING n+1 TO FIND A...
Everyone probably says, I never thought I’d respond to a personals ad, don’t they? I never thought I’d respond to a personals ad, but here we go.
Is this guy still around: ________? He sounds cute. I also took the LSAT once, but decided against further debt. Instead, now, at 24, I’m the editor of a large corporate music website by day, freelance culture journalist by...
Fictitious rejected n+personals courtesy of Jeremy... →
HA! PEOPLE WHO WEAR BOAT SHOES
Petite, well-educated, 22-year-old artist in her final year of college. Interested in french existentialism, painting, documentary films, long-form journalism, literary magazines, and public radio. Seeking slightly older man, between the ages of twenty three and twenty seven, to share in her love of the intellectual and literary. I enjoy a well-dressed gentleman in a button-up shirt and boat...
WILL YOU GO HUNT, [WITH THIS] LORD? PERCHANCE...
I descend from a long lineage of dukes. In my spare time, I like to play duke polo, which is similar to regular polo but instead of riding horses, we ride on exotic animals from The Orient or lesser-dukes. I am 23 years old and should the fifty-three people ahead of me die suddenly, I will be ascend to true duke status. I have memorized all of Byron not because I care for the man’s verse,...
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHEER THIS GUY UP, must be...
From him:
Mid-twenties male, right-handed, ambidextrous-brained traveller seeks to contact the journo below despite his better judgement. Accepts challenge for Most Outrageous Hookup Story. Issues own challenge for story of Most Outrageous Brunch. Proposes meeting up over good whiskey. Or brunch. Or a good whiskey brunch (better afternoon than champagne). Asks: favorite dead existentialist...
THE I-DISAGREE-WITH-A-LOT-OF-OCCUPY-WALL-STREET...
Fiction writer and cultural events programmer, 28. I live in Queens, play in North Brooklyn, work in Manhattan, and travel for readings often. Lapsed (but still believing) Catholic from a blue-collar, Irish family in Jersey. I like DIY culture, punk, and top 40, dive bars and salt-of-the-earth folk. I don’t like anything ironically and I disagree with a lot of OWS. Open-minded, just a...
FIRST DATE, PRO TIP: GESUNDHEIT DOUBLES AS CHEERS
Some other, off-line world, we hit it off: A potluck with a swap of recipes? A library, “gesundheit” to your cough? A garden plot, and compliments on peas? In this one, though, that hasn’t happened yet, and so: I’m 34, Cambridge, MA; IT, veggie, I seldom drink, no pet, or car. Just cheap, it would be fair to say. It once was principled simplicity, but now, habit? I know I...
LOVE LETTER, OF A SORT
You will, of course, remember this man’s personal ad/prose poem:
NIHILIST SEEKS NOT QUITE NOTHING
Me: No bed of roses. Like waterboarding. The American way. Tooth decay. Facial imperfections. Squandered genius. Nasty reputation. Check out the thinning hair. Anti-this, anti-that, pro-not much. Morose. Morbid. Corrosive. Enemies list. Lives in the past. Megalomania. Limited palette....
THE BLOND ANNA KARENINA
Me: Medium height, bird-like build, blonde, and blue-eyed with a hint of Anna Karenina. Enjoy a healthy mix of mid-twenties yuppiedom and deep literary contemplation. Attempting to be a writer in my free time has resulted in many weekend mornings spent over hemp milk lattes in the company of friends. Would like to keep friends, but also acquire a romantic and vaguely mysterious companion.
You:...
This is what n+1 internal emails have come to:
I am ready to wield my digital pen like a mighty sword, castrating any and all weirdos that threaten to ruin our bastion of love!
YOU GUYS CAN HAVE THAT CRISTINA-MEREDITH "YOU'RE...
Soft-spoken Cantabrigienne seeks (interesting/bespectacled/Continentalist/ literary/tea-drinking/kind) person. Under 25 and over 18.
100% INTO "CRITICAL THEORY"
20s grad student/gallery girl seeking 22-32 year old male who also reads n+1 personals 90% in jest, 10% with actual curiosity. i probably like the same things you do (liquor and critical theory).
Winter Of Your Content
The holidays aren’t especially kind to singles. Families and winter weight show up in all the wrong places. Bars won’t stop playing The Smiths (because this is appropriate music to play in January: So you go and you stand on your own / And you leave on your own / And you go home and you cry and you want to die). And it’s not just institutional! People start holding hands. In...
ROBERT LANGDON!
Mirthful man, tenured rhetorician, 5’8”, 56 & fit, daydreamer, intrigued by possible risks/rewards of NYRB “Personals,” seeks comely, confident woman of wit and humor for casual wooing. Providence vicinity. [from the new york review of books]
She UNDERSTANDS n+1: like the partisan review,...
Mary McCarthy-type seeks a Philip Rahv for immoderate conversation, drinking, and flowering of passion.* The relationship may not last, but the ideas we share will fuel lifetimes of conviction and creativity. Lust for life a must; some self-loathing appreciated. Let me cook you a meal, fix you a drink, and we’ll get down to discussing the world.
*Trotskyism not required; Edmund...
SHE PROBABLY JUST PULLS UP HER PANTS AND DOES THE...
I’m a petite 21-year-old Asian female who recently moved to Los Angeles. I like Dave Eggers and Louis C.K. Some of my favorite activities are going to museums, walking, eating good food, and taking pictures. I don’t like dance clubs mainly because I don’t dance and there aren’t many opportunities for conversation. Looking for: A culturally aware, well-dressed male...
Well, at least we have proof all your coworkers...
Well, I’ve now had five different people awkwardly email to say they figured out it was me.
You did this to me.
I hope you two are happy. (I kid.) (Mostly.) (Kind of.)
(But really though, seriously contemplating moving to Montana or someplace where it will never be spoken of again.)